In my work I’m often struck by a reliance on leadership to provide permission for a colleague to help a colleague. Whether it relates to a behavioural issue, a mistake or poor wellbeing many point to a failure of the leaders in the setting. I’ve spent the last 17 years using a framework of personal leadership to prevent harm. For me leadership is more action than role. It’s more behaviour than a given role. It’s about responsibility to do the right thing.
In every high-stress workplace there are conversations about leadership. We talk about better leaders, stronger leaders, compassionate leaders, visible leaders, and accountable leaders. Those conversations matter because leadership shapes culture, priorities, and expectations. But there is another truth that is easy to overlook, you don’t need a leadership title to be a good friend. You do not need epaulettes, stripes, rank, management responsibility, or authority to notice that someone is struggling. You do not need permission to check in with a colleague after a difficult shift. You do not need a formal position to challenge harmful behaviour, encourage someone to seek support, or create a sense of belonging.
In many workplaces, wellbeing strategies are designed from the top down. Yet the daily experience of work is often shaped from the side. It is shaped by teammates, crewmates, partners, peers, and colleagues. It is shaped by the people who sit next to us, answer the radio with us, patrol with us, teach with us, or stand beside us when things become difficult. A healthy culture is not built by leaders alone. It is built by ordinary people who consistently choose to look out for one another.
High-Stress Environments Change People
Whether you work in policing, healthcare, the armed forces, emergency services, social care, education, or another demanding profession, stress is not an occasional visitor. It can become a constant companion. Repeated exposure to pressure, trauma, conflict, uncertainty, fatigue, and responsibility affects human beings. Even the most capable professionals can experience:
- Over reaction.
- Emotional exhaustion.
- Irritability.
- Cynicism.
- Withdrawal from colleagues.
- Poor concentration.
- Sleep difficulties.
- Increased conflict at home or work.
- Risk-taking.
- Reduced empathy.
- A sense of hopelessness.
These changes often develop gradually. Rarely does someone arrive at work one day and announce, “I’m no longer coping.” Instead, there are small signs. A normally chatty colleague becomes quiet. Someone stops joining the team for breaks. A person who took pride in their work begins making unusual mistakes. Humour becomes sharper and more hostile. Patience disappears.
The people most likely to notice these changes first are usually not senior leaders.
They are friends.
Poor Wellbeing, And Mistakes Are Connected
When people are tired, overwhelmed, isolated, or distressed, performance suffers. This is not a character flaw; it is a human reality. Research across multiple industries has shown that stress can impair attention, memory, decision-making, communication, and situational awareness. In practical terms, this means:
- A healthcare worker may overlook important information.
- A police officer may make a poorer tactical decision.
- A prison officer may miss escalating tensions.
- A firefighter may lose concentration during a critical task.
- A teacher may struggle to respond calmly to challenging behaviour.
Most organisations invest heavily in procedures, training, and supervision to reduce errors. These are essential. Yet one of the most powerful safeguards is often much simpler: colleagues who genuinely care about each other.
A friend notices when someone is exhausted. A friend asks, “Are you okay to do this?”
A friend encourages someone to take a break, seek help, or speak to a supervisor when necessary. A friend creates a space where honesty becomes possible.
Poor Wellbeing Can Also Lead to Poor Behaviour
We should be careful here. Poor wellbeing does not excuse misconduct, bullying, discrimination, or abuse. People remain responsible for their actions. However, if we want to prevent harmful behaviour, we must understand the conditions that can increase risk.
Chronic stress can narrow our perspective. We become more reactive. We lose patience more quickly. We interpret others negatively. We may begin to detach emotionally from the people around us. In some teams, unhealthy coping mechanisms emerge:
- Humiliating banter.
- Gossip.
- Excluding colleagues.
- Aggressive communication.
- Normalising disrespect.
- Cutting corners.
- Staying silent when something feels wrong.
These behaviours rarely appear out of nowhere. They often grow in environments where stress is high, support is low, and people feel disconnected from one another. This is where friendship becomes a protective factor. A good friend can say: “That wasn’t like you.” “You seem angry all the time lately.” “I’m worried about how much you’re drinking.” “You need to talk to someone.” “We don’t speak to people like that here.”
Those conversations are not always comfortable. But they are often acts of care. Organisations delivering bystander type training focus on how to challenge inappropriate behaviour. The term ‘Calling Out’ is discussed. For me there is a step before calling out. This is the caring stage of ‘Calling In’.
Calling out can be confrontational and scary. As I’ve discussed many times before fear is one of the biggest inhibitors to bystander action. Framing something as care is much better. Calling In is a moment between colleagues who work together. It’s an opportunity to be that better colleague and friend. It’s a moment to show your true loyalty to them.
Looking Out for Each Other Is Active Bystandership
Many organisations now train people in active bystandership: recognising concerns, taking responsibility, and safely intervening. Sometimes we imagine bystandership only in dramatic situations. Yet some of the most important interventions happen quietly.
A colleague notices someone sitting alone after a traumatic incident.
A teammate checks in after repeated night shifts.
A friend interrupts a conversation that is becoming cruel.
A peer encourages someone to access mental health support.
Someone says, “Let’s go for a coffee,” and creates an opportunity for a difficult conversation. These actions may seem small, but culture is built from small moments repeated thousands of times.
Active bystandership is not simply about preventing harm. It is also about creating connection.
Human beings thrive when they feel connected. Creating a social community is as much the counterbalance to high stress than a reliance on the wellbeing programme. Actually, I would suggest it’s way more important.
Five Ways to Be a Better Friend at Work
1. Notice the Small Changes. Don’t wait for a crisis. Pay attention to changes in mood, behaviour, attendance, performance, and relationships. The earlier we notice, the easier it is to offer support.
2. Ask Again. Many people respond to “How are you?” with “Fine.” If your instinct tells you something is wrong, ask again. This time consider alerting the friend to what you have observed. Maybe you will need to really challenge them around what you have seen. Next you might simply need to get help from someone else. This escalation approach really helps to clarify a situation and move forward when needed.
The first question tries to open the door. The next question confirms you are still at the door. The third question is your foot going in to stop the door closing. The last one is getting help from others.
3. Listen More Than You Speak. When someone shares a struggle, resist the urge to immediately solve it. Often the most helpful response is:
- “Thank you for reaching out”
- “I’m glad you told me.”
- “You’re not on your own.”
- “You didn’t deserve that”
- “What do you want to do, here’s some things to consider”
Being heard can be profoundly relieving.
4. Challenge Harm Early. Friendship is not blind loyalty. A good friend does not ignore bullying, discrimination, dangerous behaviour, or serious mistakes. They address concerns early and respectfully. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is prevent a colleague from going further down a harmful path.
5. Stay Connected. Isolation is dangerous. Invite the new colleague for coffee. Send a message after a difficult incident. Celebrate successes. Check in with the person who has been off sick. Check in after you have spoken with them. That follow up can really cement the caring intention behind your act.
Human connection is not a luxury in high-stress work; it is part of the safety equipment.
Leadership Still Matters
None of this removes the responsibility of leaders. Leaders must create psychologically safe environments, provide resources, model healthy behaviour, respond to concerns, and build systems that support people. Poor leadership can make stress far worse. But there is a danger in believing that wellbeing is solely a leadership problem to solve.
If we wait for managers to create every moment of support, we miss the extraordinary influence that peers have on one another every day. The healthiest teams are not those where one heroic leader carries everyone. They are teams where care is distributed. People notice each other. They speak up. They help. They challenge. They encourage. They belong.
The Culture We Build Together
Think back to the hardest period of your working life. You may remember a particular leader. But chances are you also remember the colleague who checked in, made you laugh, covered for you when you were overwhelmed, walked with you after a difficult job, or simply sat beside you when words were hard to find. Those moments matter.
They reduce isolation. They encourage help-seeking. They protect performance. They interrupt harmful behaviour. They remind people that they are valued. They disturb the silence.
In high-stress environments, we often search for big solutions. Yet one of the most powerful cultural interventions may be surprisingly ordinary:
Be the colleague who notices.
Be the colleague who asks.
Be the colleague who listens.
Be the colleague who speaks up.
Be the colleague who stays.
While good leadership is invaluable, you don’t need a leader to be a good friend. Sometimes the friend beside us is the very reason we find the strength to keep going.
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