Be A Man – The 3 most destructive words a boy can hear. What the hell does it mean?
It is one of the most striking lines in Walls by the Kings of Leon. On the surface, it sounds like a celebration of toughness. But listen more closely, and the song is about something much deeper. It is about the invisible walls we build around ourselves, the expectations we inherit, and the damage that follows when we mistake hardness for strength. In my work, it’s often referred to as the ‘ManBox’ and it’s in this box that destructive mandates of masculinity thrive.
These last weeks, Scotland was reminded of those walls again. Reports emerged that one of the men convicted of murdering 16-year-old Kayden Moy had allegedly recorded videos from prison taunting Kayden’s family and glorifying violence while serving his sentence. Police Scotland and the Scottish Prison Service are investigating how the material was recorded and shared. For Kayden’s family, this is another wound on top of unimaginable grief. For the rest of us, it raises a different question. What kind of culture teaches young men that cruelty earns respect?
The answer is uncomfortable because it extends far beyond a single prison cell.
The Performance Of Masculinity
Most boys are not born believing they must fight to prove they are men. They learn it.
Sometimes it comes from films. Sometimes from social media. Sometimes from music. Sometimes from older peers. Sometimes from adults, even from political leaders who reward aggression while mocking kindness. Past research identifies this as a masculinity contest culture, an environment where status is earned through dominance, toughness, emotional control and a willingness to use aggression when challenged. In the past I’ve talked about these contests in the likes of policing and the military; however, they extend far beyond these settings.
In these cultures, reputation becomes everything. Walking away becomes weakness.
Showing empathy becomes vulnerability. Apologising becomes humiliation. The taunts from within the prison don’t surprise me. The risk of being anything other than a tough guy is dangerous. Alongside not being a grass, being tough is all part of a ‘Prison Code’ that contributes to these incidents as well as violence within the prison itself.
The result is that violence is no longer simply something someone does. It becomes part of who they believe they must be. A ‘Tough Guise’ emerges.
The Prison Walls Are Not The First Walls
It is easy to focus on the prison walls surrounding those convicted of Kayden’s murder.
But the real walls were built years earlier. Walls telling boys to:
- Never back down.
- Never lose face.
- Never let someone disrespect you.
- Never show fear.
- Always get even.
These beliefs imprison an individual long before any judge passes sentence. When a young person’s identity becomes dependent upon appearing fearless, every disagreement becomes a test. Every insult becomes public. Every audience becomes a jury. The fight is no longer about the original conflict. It is about protecting an identity. It’s about personal safety at the expense of the cruelty directed towards a victim’s family. The ‘Guise’ controls the outcome.
The Audience Matters
One of the saddest aspects of youth violence is that it is rarely performed in isolation. There is almost always an audience. Friends filming. Friends laughing. Friends encouraging. Friends remaining silent.
Social psychology has repeatedly shown that behaviour is shaped by the expectations of those around us. If status is gained through intimidation, intimidation spreads. If respect is earned through compassion, compassion spreads.
Young men often overestimate how much other young men admire aggression.
In reality, most don’t. Most want safety. Most dislike violence. Most are uncomfortable with intimidation, and because nobody says so aloud, everyone believes everyone else approves. That illusion keeps the cycle alive. Silence becomes like an infection that helps to maintain and evolve the harm.
A few years ago, I watched Rapper ‘Plan B’ interview a young man who was part of a local gang in London. The young man was asked how he was feeling. His response didn’t surprise me. He said “Fucking Stressed”.
We Need Different Heroes
The line from Walls deserves rewriting. Perhaps a man isn’t someone who’s fought the fight. Perhaps a man is someone who knew he didn’t have to. Imagine if boys admired the teenager who walked away. The friend who stopped someone picking up a knife.
The mate who challenged the group chat. The gang member who refused revenge. Those actions require infinitely more courage than throwing the first punch. A change in the situation would help and support these new heroes to emerge.
Helping boys to walk away from negative peer influence was something that internationally acclaimed and award-winning educator Ali McClure talks about in her book Making It Better For Boys
Breaking free from conformity
Research into active bystandership tells us something hopeful. Human beings are natural conformists. But they are also capable of becoming what psychologist Catherine Sanderson calls moral rebels, people willing to stand apart from the crowd when the crowd is heading in the wrong direction. The challenge isn’t simply teaching young men not to fight. It is teaching them that they have permission not to conform. That is a completely different lesson.
Instead of asking: “Would you intervene?” We should ask: “What kind of friend helps others become better men?”
A focus on loyalties within friendship groups is seldom had, but it’s a focus that is much needed.
The Role Of Active Bystanders
This is why active bystandership matters so much. It is not merely about stopping violence in the moment. It is about changing what earns respect. Bystander Intervention Training often simply focuses on the provision of tools. Using a bystander approach is different. Whilst it provides tools, its main aim is to create the conversations amongst young men that help create the permissions that many young men need to become better friends.
Imagine a group where speaking up receives more admiration than showing off. Where protecting someone vulnerable gains more status than humiliating them. Where challenging a friend is seen as loyalty rather than betrayal. Cultures change when ordinary people redefine what is normal. Every intervention says something far bigger than the words spoken.
Parents, Coaches and Leaders
Every adult who works with young men has influence. Parents, teachers, police officers, youth workers, sports coaches, military instructors, managers. None of us can control every decision a young person makes, but we all help shape what they believe earns respect.
If every success story celebrates domination, young men will chase domination. If every success story celebrates integrity, many will chase integrity instead. The stories we tell become the identities young people borrow.
A Different Fight
Kayden Moy’s death was a tragedy. The reported taunting from prison is another reminder that punishment alone cannot dismantle the beliefs that fuel violence. Rehabilitation requires more than locked doors; it requires changing the stories people tell themselves about power, respect and manhood. The real fight isn’t on a beach. Or in a prison. Or on social media. It is inside every culture where boys believe they must constantly prove themselves.
Perhaps the bravest thing a young man can do today is disappoint those expectations.
To refuse the performance. To reject the audience. To become the friend who changes the ending. The strongest walls are not made of concrete. They are made of beliefs, and the strongest men are not those who spend their lives proving they can fight. They are the ones courageous enough to show everyone else that they don’t have to.
So Why Get Involved?
I’ve shared several blogs ahead of my Edinburgh Fringe appearance on 11th August. A few months ago, I was invited by the award-winning author, commentator, rapper and overall good man Darren McGarvey. His Fringe event Performative Male brings together several people talking about men and boys. A question I’m often asked is why I got involved in this work.
In 2009 I was presented with a question by a now good friend, Jackson Katz. He simply asked me, “As a man what are you doing to prevent violence?” I was 41 years old. A father with 2 daughters. I had spent the previous 22 years arresting predominantly men for crimes of violence. I had never even given this a second glance. My role, so I thought, was to arrest the violent men and not to be violent myself. Jackson challenged me to think differently. A few months after that, one of my daughters and her friend were attacked on their way back to their student halls. Thankfully, they managed to get away from the male. I must admit it took a family member to become a victim before I really leaned into this issue. I’ve never looked back.
I’m now a grandfather. Arra is nearly 4. I want her and her friends to grow up in a world where she doesn’t fear their male peers. James is 5 months. I don’t want him or his mates to grow up in a world where the pressure to be a “Dick” doesn’t usurp their good character. It’s quite simple. Why wouldn’t you get involved?
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